ENTRIES

my most inner thoughts...

2021-05-20

hello. i used to have another website; you may or may not remember me as "prettyhatemachine" on neocities. i had deleted my website out of fear that my friends or close family would find it. i'm back. i hope my old friends from here can find this site because i did miss you dearly. my birthday is in about 6 hours which is stressing me as i will be turning 18. yes. 18... it's fear inducing; i'm not anywhere near ready however, hopefully i will not be living for much longer... things to think about. please feel free to email me! it is on my homepage. xx. j.

2021-05-26

hi. it's been about 5 days since my birthday... i know i have not updated in some time even though i just started this site; my apologies... its been somewhat of a hectic week. i feel fine i suppose; i'm trying my best to distract myself from intrusive thoughts and overall sadness. i'm done with classes for the summer which is a bittersweet feeling, as school was the only thing really keeping me busy and distracted easily. i get more freedom to focus on myself i suppose but it doesn't feel all that great. hopefully the weird feelings will pass soon... i hope they do. p.s: please feel free to shoot me an email anytime.. i would enjoy talking to new people from this cool place. secreteyks@gmail.com xx. j.

2021-06-02

hey..it's been a stressful week... feeling weak and anxious. i want it to all go away but having that happen is much easier imagined than done. it gets harder to find people to talk to about it all because they seem uninterested... i can't blame them but i wish they cared for me. anyways... more updates soon. xx. j.

2021-06-09

feels like i am nearing my end. no other updates xx.j.

2021-06-17

hello.. sorry for the lack of updates recently; been having a not so great time recently. despite my shit time, i am getting my second tattoo tomorrow which excites me, so i thought i would come on here and share that. as for my feelings; i've been feeling extremely angry... people have been ignoring me (at least that's what it feels like). i just feel like i'm never doing enough for anyone... not even myself. xx. j.

2021-06-21

i wish people would speak to me!! i'm often too afraid to reach out to those i find interesting here, and in other areas/situations... way too shy and paranoid that they might find me severely unbearable as a person. oh well. it's raining today and i woke up later than usual. something does feel off today but i can't exactly pin point why that is. i've also been missing out on family gatherings recently which makes them disappointed in me, making me feel even more useless and stupid. i just can't help but feel like an outcast when it comes to my family... it's hard for me to feel like i'm even a part of them. that's all for today. xx. j.

2021-06-22

there's this feeling of paranoia that makes my chest hurt and makes it hard to breathe... like so incredibly hard. i can't tell if it's a mix of paranoia and anxiety (too similar?) but i hate it so much. i deal with this almost everyday... even the slightest of inconveniences will cause me to hyperventilate and cry for hours. this feeling alone makes me want to die. just collapse and die. it's such a crippling feeling, i can't move or eat... i wish it would all just go away. i feel immature whenenver it happens but i know deep down that it's not a question of immaturity, it's my stupid fucking brain telling me things that aren't exactly true a lot of the time. writing this has me crying because it's just reminding me that soon enough, these feelings will strike again. i try to explain it all to people but they don't fully understand how badly is hurts and feels for me. they think i'm constantly overreacting, but they don't understand that i cannot control anything when it happens to me. well now i'm just rambling... i just needed to get that off my chest so badly. xx. j.

2021-06-24

i don't really have much to say today... feeling very tired and i had a massive headache earlier. feeling slightly better now thankfully, but i'd just like for this week to be over. xx. j.

2021-06-30

hi... summer has really started and it's bringing up memories of last summer. i did enjoy last summer to a certain extent; although my mental health started to deteriorate... but i can still remember some good times. this year does not seem to be as fulfilling as last; for starters, my best friend doesn't seem to be as interested in being my friend... and the fun times we once shared aren't exactly being lived this year. i don't want to grow apart from her because she was once the only person who really understood me; she took the time to care for me and listen to me when no one else would or even tried. summer also reminds me of dyl.. which sucks bad because he makes me sad... but happy at the same time?? i don' know.. i hate talking about it honestly. anyways, that's all i've got to say.. xx. j.

2021-12-02

autumn makes me feel less horrible (usually), and this year was a prime example of my happiness shining through in the autumn. i met my girlfriend this autumn and we're quite happy which, in turn, makes me happy. autumn was beautiful - now comes the winter and the skies turn greyer and whiter by the minute, by the second; my feelings turn bitter and the happiness i once felt turns to sadness in no time. my anxiety and paranoia becomes crippling and i fear my relationship will shatter very soon. i love her more than myself and would do practically anything for her. when i'm with her i feel like i'm floating - every horrible thougt i've ever had fades away and she fills my head with her beauty, her talent, her passion. i've never needed someone so much the way i need her. i feel like i've known her forever and i know it sounds cliche to say such a thing but i really do mean it. she is perfect, i cannot, and could never find a single flaw within' her character or her beauty. nobody has ever compared to her and nobody will ever compare to her. everyday i stress that i'll lose her forever and i cannot fathom that honestly; my life is nothing without her. she is everything and will always be everything. she's been through things no one should ever have to go through, especially considering how amazing she truly is. i wish i could take her past pains and hardships away (although these experiences arguably give character), she does not deserve to live with such anguish and pain. i would do anyhting to undo that for her. are soulmates real? because i've never believed in such a thing... but i've found mine. xx. j.

2022-07-20

summertime. im not quite sure what my concrete feelings are regarding the summertime. i miss how i felt in my last entry, a solid nine months ago and a lot has changed; i still have my girlfriend however she feels rather cold and distant from me. the love she used to feel for me could possibly be turning in the other direction, however, she will never tell me if she feels that way or not.i love her more than anything in the world and all i want is for her to feel that same way. i never liked myself. i never will. xx. j.

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